Letters From The Edge of Blogspace: Thinking Of Tomorrow….

Published August 23, 2015 by Christine

Thinking of tomorrow
With the sunset in my eyes.
I feel everything in sorrow,
Tomorrow, just more lies.

Thinking of tomorrow,
Nothing left to feel.
I can but do just stand there,
Nerves of wire and steel.

Thinking of tomorrow,
Hatred comes my way.
The only thing I can do,
Is think of the next day.

Thinking of tomorrow,
It gets better every day.
Why am I pretending?
I’m not alive, they say.

Thinking of tomorrow.
Thinking of today
There’s nothing left inside me.
No reason left to stay.

Thinking of tomorrow.

The Sunday Sermon; Power, victimhood and Christianity

Published July 5, 2015 by Christine

A fantastic, thought-provoking post on what it means to be a Christian…

Sometimes, it's just a cigar

Increasingly the Christian right is trying to make itself out to be “the real victims here“. This week a new low was reached as one group tried to pretend being a small-minded bigot somehow carries the same weight of stigma and risks as being LGBT. Newsflash, it doesn’t, and until there is a queer equivalent of Fox run by a megalomanic billionaire, it wont. Whilst its common for us to mock this as an American affliction its pretty prevalent in the UK too. Both in the UK and the US these groups seem to be confusing being a part of the capitalist hegemony with being Christian. We used to be a Christian country they cry. Oddly enough Christian doesn’t mean looking after the outcast, the weak, the sick. No, a Christian country apparently means a slave-owning one, a one which started wars, colonized other countries, turned a blind eye…

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Letters From The Edge Of Blogspace: Rollercoaster…

Published July 4, 2015 by Christine

It’s a rollercoaster that we ride.
Something that we swear we’d never touch.
Yet, the feeling’s the same.
Or somesuch.

We get in the car.
Trepidation is what we feel.
Knowing the ride ahead,
Will take all our steel.

The guards come down,
Shutting us off from the world.
No matter why we reach out,
Those who love us, frown.

We look ahead. All we see is space.
The ‘coaster jerks. Putting us into place.
The clanking engine starts, pulling the cars.
And we know the journey starts.

Slowly up the hill.
The chain pulls us.
Changes already happening.
Our lives have fooled us.

Nearly to the top, one mountain we have climbed,
Aided by the chain, of maleness left behind.
Of lives we lived before us
And triumphs not unkind.

As the chain pulls us forward, and loved ones far behind,
We stare straight ahead lest we leap back, love in kind.
All we wanted, all we need.
Is peaked and at our fore,
And all we need to say, is “Nevermore”.

We’ve reached the top, it stretches far in front.
That lonely coaster, that lonely place.
The wheels are on, the lugs are tight,
The belt is on, the straps are tight.

I’m ready.
I’m right.
Take me from here.
Into the night.
Bring me back
Into the light.
Feeling wonderful.
Feeling right.

Judging A Book By Its Cover

Published June 27, 2015 by Christine

Another awesome post from Alex Forshaw.

My Autistic Dance

I’m lucky, I guess. When I am out and about I usually get gendered correctly. Shop staff call me madam, a dad called “Mind out for that lady” to his young children who were running about as I walked past, colleagues at work use the correct pronouns to refer to me. I still feel happy when I hear it although the degree of pleasure has diminished as it has become my normal experience.

I realize this experience is not typical for a trans woman. A big factor in my favor is that I don’t pay much attention to people around me: I have no idea if people are looking at me and rarely will I notice if they are talking about me. It’s a facet of my autism; I’ve never been particularly aware of other people unless I’m interacting with them and I can hardly begin to guess at how…

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Letters From The Edge Of Blogspace: A Quiet Moment of Reflection….

Published June 7, 2015 by Christine

Janice Raymond, Sheila Jeffries, Cathy Brennan, et al. I would ask a quiet moment of reflection.

You do not understand trans women. You deny we exist. Yet, here I am. A trans woman.

I have never claimed to feel “like a woman”.

I have never claimed to know what a woman feels like.

I have never denied your womanhood.

I have never denied anything you have felt.

Yet I am not male.

Everything I know points to me being a woman.

Everything I feel points to me being a woman.

I have felt this way since as far back as I can remember.

Yet you still deny how I feel.

This isn’t erasure.

This is destruction.

I will fight this.

47 Years.

Not One More.

Letters From The Edge of Blogspace: The Irony Of It All….

Published May 31, 2015 by Christine

One of the problems with having time off is it gives me time to think. My mind is active at the best of times but, when I’m alone and with nothing to do (except housework) I tend to look back over my life. It’s occurred to me that throughout my life, there’s not one single time I can recall that I have ever wanted to be anything other than a normal woman. Unfortunately, that can never be possible. I may get some flak for this but, physically, I have a male body. There’s no getting away from that. Yet, there is no way I would change.

The irony of the situation is: If someone offered me a choice, to either be a man and carry on my life as is, or become a natal woman but with a totally different life but all the memories I have now, I would choose the life of a natal woman. I could not choose otherwise. I often think of the following scenario within the Dr Who universe , (I’m a big fan)……

Scene: Me talking to The Doctor in the TARDIS:

The Doctor walks back and forth, around the TARDIS console after I have explained everything about being trans.

Doctor: So, what do you want?

Me: Ideally, to have been born female.

Doctor: I might be able to arrange that. We can travel back in time and change things.

Me: But that would erase me, though, wouldn’t it?

Doctor: But you would have your wish.

Me: No I wouldn’t. It wouldn’t be me.

Doctor: A little tweak of the genome and you’d be female.

Me: But it still wouldn’t be me though, would it?

Me: No matter what you changed in my past, it would result in me being changed. I would no longer be the person I am currently.

Doctor: Ok. How about I change your mind to fit the body you currently have?

Me: Nope. Then it still wouldn’t be me. I am the sum of my experiences, including being trans. To change anything in time or my mind would erase me, as a person.

Doctor: Alright. How about I change your body to fit your mind?

Me: That’ll work. Can you do it?

Doctor: I know of a place…………..

<Sigh, I wish….>

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