To those who know me, this may seem like an odd style of writing. I find that it seems to get the point across better than describing my feelings purely from my own point of view. These entries expand on earlier entries which, admittedly, have a rather stilted style.
Finally being one’s real self is a strange, yet familiar feeling. Everything around you seems new and old at the same time, as if you are looking through new eyes which, in a way, is exactly what is happening. They are not physically new eyes but the perspective has changed. The body is the same but the mind has been freed of the shell it has been inhabiting for so many years. Over the years you have had glimpses of what might be, odd little times the Ghost has come to the fore and been able to manifest herself, but these have been few and far between, but now these glimpses have become a reality and a new world awaits you.
Your first journey out into this new land brings paralysing fear. Fear of what will be said, terror at the thought of being attacked. You know these things happen, you’ve read about them, heard people talk about them, even laughing about them. The assaults, the attacks and abuse, the deaths of those like you, all fill your heart with dread. What horror’s will be visited upon your person because you dared to finally admit who you are? You wonder how many others have felt this very same thing, for the same reason, how many pushed on and how many ran back, to afraid to embrace the strange new world that awaits them. Then a thought enters your head. Why? Why should I turn and run and empower those who would visit harm upon me? Why should I turn and run, letting those who do not understand determine the course of my life? Why should I be afraid to stand in the light, allowing others to deny me my very existence? The feeling of contempt for those that would wish you harm grows. There is no anger, just a surety that belong in that light. You know that anything could happen on the other side of that door but you are ready.
The outside world comes into focus as you step outside, Tracey by your side. People walking by, their own business on their minds, barely respond to your presence. They walk around you with barely a glance. The fear begins to drain away, slowly being replaced by another, unfamiliar feeling. As you walk down the street this unfamiliar feeling grows. Your footsteps become lighter, the slouch of depression you’ve had all your life disappears. You recognise the feeling that is growing within you. It’s a feeling you’ve only ever had when in the throes of a drinking binge. It is confidence. You feel like laughing and running down the street, shouting out to the world “I AM HERE”. You restrain yourself, but you look at Tracey, a massive grin on your face and she smiles back. How long have you denied yourself this? How long have you stayed hidden in the darkness, scared?
For the first time in your life you feel alive.