One of the problems with having time off is it gives me time to think. My mind is active at the best of times but, when I’m alone and with nothing to do (except housework) I tend to look back over my life. It’s occurred to me that throughout my life, there’s not one single time I can recall that I have ever wanted to be anything other than a normal woman. Unfortunately, that can never be possible. I may get some flak for this but, physically, I have a male body. There’s no getting away from that. Yet, there is no way I would change.
The irony of the situation is: If someone offered me a choice, to either be a man and carry on my life as is, or become a natal woman but with a totally different life but all the memories I have now, I would choose the life of a natal woman. I could not choose otherwise. I often think of the following scenario within the Dr Who universe , (I’m a big fan)……
Scene: Me talking to The Doctor in the TARDIS:
The Doctor walks back and forth, around the TARDIS console after I have explained everything about being trans.
Doctor: So, what do you want?
Me: Ideally, to have been born female.
Doctor: I might be able to arrange that. We can travel back in time and change things.
Me: But that would erase me, though, wouldn’t it?
Doctor: But you would have your wish.
Me: No I wouldn’t. It wouldn’t be me.
Doctor: A little tweak of the genome and you’d be female.
Me: But it still wouldn’t be me though, would it?
Me: No matter what you changed in my past, it would result in me being changed. I would no longer be the person I am currently.
Doctor: Ok. How about I change your mind to fit the body you currently have?
Me: Nope. Then it still wouldn’t be me. I am the sum of my experiences, including being trans. To change anything in time or my mind would erase me, as a person.
Doctor: Alright. How about I change your body to fit your mind?
Me: That’ll work. Can you do it?
Doctor: I know of a place…………..
<Sigh, I wish….>