There something about losing someone you were always close to and drifted away from a little. You always seem to feel it most keenly. Especially when you lose them to something like depression. Its like they’re coming back but something at the back of your mind tells you they’re not. Depression is quite possibly the worst mental problem to have. It is invisible, it is insidious, it permeates every fibre of your being. Yet it can show no outward signs, there is no physical symbol, nothing to show people that you are depressed, nothing. The only people who might know, are those who are closest to you, and even then that isn’t guaranteed. It’s the biggest, most invisible, most frightening killer there is.
I lost my cousin to depression recently. I don’t know if there was anything I could have done. I don’t know if there was anything I could have said. Maybe if I had been closer to her? Maybe if I had been with her more? Could I have helped her? Could I have made a difference? These are questions I will never be able to answer, but these are questions I will always ask myself. I suffer from depression myself but it has different roots, a different manifstation, but it gives me a little insight to how she felt, but those questions will remain. Always.
All for one, and one for all. I love you cuz.
At least I’m feeling.
Knowing I’m wrong.
At least I’m knowing.
Thinking my thoughts
At least I’m thinking.
Wanting to change
At least I’m wanting
Love in my life
At least I have love
Living my life.
At least I’m living.
The least I have,
Is the greatest gift.
Well, my appointment with Dr Lenihan at CHX didn’t go all as I’d hoped, but pretty much as I had expected. After going through my history and catching up with what had been happening in the two years since I’d last seen her, she said that she would be happy to refer me for surgery, but she wouldn’t. This was, as she explained, because of my weight. To qulaify for surgery I need to be less than 100Kg and have a waistline of less than 100cm. I weight 103.9Kg and my waistline is 110cm. So I have some work to do. My next appointment at CHX is in September, so I have until then to sort this out.
Weight loss isn’t a problem. Most of the weight I’ve lost has been since I moved out of the old flat, (I weighed 113Kg then, 106Kg when I moved into the new place) and so that is going down. The work involves exercise to reduce my waist. I need to start exercising my tummy, tightening the muscles and reducing the fat there. I want the fat on my hips, bum and tits but not on my tummy. I can’t go running because my right knee won’t take it (it hurts enough just walking) so anything like that is out. It’s down to crunches and situps before I go to work and when I come home. Should be fun.
Oh, and I need to start going to bed earlier. 2-3 am isn’t doing me any good either.
I didn’t realise till now, but its four years since I first posted about transition on “The Girl From Nowhere”. Four years in which so much has changed. Mostly for the better. I have a wonderful partner. I’m now working for an absolutely amazing organisation. I have a new flat. I don’t have a car yet but I do have my nice, super-clean driving licence, and to cap it all, I’m so much happier in myself. All in four short years. Tempus Fugit. How time flies. Well, I don’t know how time flies, but it does. Maybe it has a private jet?
To add to all this, I also now have my appointment for my second surgical referral. Its on Tuesday 24th. This coming Tuesday. The day of our big sale at TechStart. The one day I didn’t want to leave the shop. The only reason why I have to. I’ve been waiting nearly seven months for this. The waiting list for surgery is up to two years and if I missed this appointment then it could set me back by nearly a year, and that is something I cannot afford. I will, however, call the GIC to see if there is another appointment available in the next week or so but, if not, then I will have to attend and miss half the sale. Not something I’m comfortable with either.
It’s a choice of a rock and a hard place.
It’s been a bit of a while since I wrote on here but, hey, you all know what I’m like. Anyway, I am now settled into my new flat, one which isn’t about to collapse, has got heating (and insulation) and is nice and quiet. It took a while but the wait was worth it. All I have left to do is get carpeting and a cooker. These things had to wait due to the initial high costs involved with moving in but, come the end of the month, they should be sorted.
The only minor drawback is that the building is in a small conservation area and so there is no gas, so my heating and cooking etc are all electrically powered but, small price to pay for such a nice place. Plus it was wired for Virgin Media when it was converted so that’s what I have. Fast broadband (recently measured at 103Mb/sec down and 6.8 Mb/sec up), and TV and phone.
In other news, I’m still waiting for a response from CHX as regards to my second surgical referral. One good thing is that I have lost nearly 9kg since moving plus, now eating smaller meals, I expect to drop below the magic 100kg sometime in the next few months.
So, happy things all round, (naff stuff creeps in now and again but, what the hell, that’s life).
I shall post again soon. Hopefully more than I have been.