I originally wrote this entry on the 29th April and so have edited for time correctness.
I’d sometimes sit and think about it but, after my visit to CHX in April, the future is something I’ve been giving some extra thought to. I had my follow up visit to Dr Barrett at Charing Cross GIC on the 29th April. Because of a slowdown with my weight loss I didn’t expect too much from that day but it went rather better than I had hoped. After a chat about life, the universe and everything, (sorry Douglas), Dr Barrett turned around and said something I wasn’t expecting. He is happy to refer me for surgery. I tried not to let it show, but I was somewhat gob-smacked. This is one of two referrals that I need. Once I get the second, I then go into the care of the surgeon, leaving the GIC behind for a while. Once I was over the initial surprise, (which I think did show a little), Dr Barrett explained that my getting the second referral would depend on getting my waistline down to 100cm or less, (which should mean my weight would be low enough to give me a BMI of 32 or less, the upper limit the surgeons will allow). He measured my waistline which was 112cm, not as bad as I thought. I have seven months left to lose the 12+ cm. Not an impossible task. I walked out of the GIC, a very happy bunny indeed. It was all I could do to refrain from dancing up Fulham Palace Road, (and I probably would have, had I the music but, alas, my phone battery wouldn’t allow it).
It seems that, over the last three years, my life has changed dramatically for the better. The past is just that, the past. I cannot ignore it or deny it, and nor will I. Its what made me who I am today. Sometimes I do have thoughts of “what if?” speculation, what I call “Sliding Doors” moments, (one of the biggest is wondering what would have happened if my first attempt to transition at 18 had worked. Could I have spared myself twenty-seven years of self-abuse, self-loathing and alcoholism?), but these are few and far between nowadays. I tend to look to the future more, wondering what it will bring.
That future though. What will that hold, once I’ve had surgery? The dysphoria that has dominated my life for forty years would (hopefully) be gone. My body would be aligned to what it should have been as closely as possible but, what will I feel? I will feel happy. I will feel complete. This much I do know, but what else? What will replace the dysphoria I have felt all my life? I don’t know but, what I do know is that whatever it is, has to be better.
For now, though, I am pleased to report that the goal that has dominated my life, and remained seemingly unobtainable and hidden, is now visible on the horizon and moving closer at an ever increasing speed and I am very, very happy to see it.